Fear - Part II

As I had been living in a little world of anxiety the last 2 weeks, I took the opportunity to explore all of my anxieties around IMAZ. The ones that lie just beneath the surface that are destined to come out for a visit later in training. I am a believer of giving ourselves the space to go there. To feel the anxiety - not dwell on it but feel it for a few days, live it, find solutions and move forward.

Swim

My anxiety with the swim is panic at the start of the "washing machine" everyone speaks of regarding IMAZ. I have a history of panic attacks in the water since I learned to swim in 2007. In the last few years they have only happened with the surf, not in flat open water. I am comfortable in the open water.
During my last pool swim I let myself feel that in my gut and visualized the washing machine. I visualize the scary part- whatever that may be? Being pulled in different directions, people swimming over me, most of all- the worst- having a full blown panic attack. Its a scary visual because it could cost me the race and I DNF.

Problem solving: I have had enough panic attacks in the swim to know they only last 10-15 minutes. If I swam IMAZ today and panicked I would still finish the swim in time. I know that. I also know that there are a lot of people who are supporting me in this journey and I cannot let them down.  That is exactly what snapped me out of the panic attack I experienced  at the swim start of my very first half Ironman in 2012.

I need to ask around and find out exactly what IS the washing machine? Maybe try to simulate it at Bonita Cove. I'm sure I can get a few other triathletes to help me out and aggressively dunk me under water. I actually enjoy swimming with everyone around me. At Oceanside every year I swim close to the buoys and love the intensity of the group. 

Finally, if I am in doubt of my swim, swim more- get stronger. It's that simple.

Bike

I am not afraid of the bike racing just the traffic while training. 
Perhaps if anything, I am afraid of not finishing fast enough for the run.

Problem solving: I'm going to refrain from riding during afternoon traffic/rush hour. There is no benefit in training by doing this. I don't need to toughen up from this. I can ride in the morning. I feel fine in the mornings. I had a lovely hilly ride today riding solo. I will ride with more groups.  For a while I will give myself permission to stop and regroup if it gets stressful. And if I cannot find a resolution there is always the trainer. Maybe I will carry an air horn and silly string for when cars get to close! 

As for finishing fast enough- um...train harder. Duh!

Run

With the run I fear that I will get in my own way- boredom and  discouragement leading me to self sabotage and perhaps giving up. I have done this at past marathons and even 70.3's. If I am not having a good time, I will find every excuse to stop, walk and feel sorry for myself. While I have never given up and DNF'd per se, my heart and soul had given up and I would cross the finish line in tears feeling like a failure knowing I did not give it my 100%. 

My biggest fear is problems with THE knee. Something may happen that precludes me from finishing.

Problem Solving: Here is the reality with this training. My run training now is NOTHING like it ever was. I am much stronger mentally and physically. I know it will be very, very, very hard after swimming 2.4 miles and biking 112 miles; but I also know that I CAN do it. I do need to practice some miserable runs to see what happens if I stay in my demon zone too long and then fix it. I have yet to have a truly miserable run. I visit the demon zone at times but it has always been fleeing this season. 

My knee- well, I have no control over that on race day. I am doing everything I can in training to protect yet strengthen the knee. So far, so good. Flare ups once a month but nothing sticks fortunately. Once I run on race day I expect a lot of pain and I expect to run through it. I pray the pain will only come after I finish though. I also know that I may be free of pain too. I will pack ice, a knee brace and NSAIDS in my special needs bag just in case. I will work on a list of questions to carry with me and clarify what constitutes pain I cannot race with and what I can. I hope to have some questions to ask myself if I get to that point to clarify. I know that if the swim, bike and transitions are well executed, I have a lot of time to walk the run and finish.

Ultimately, I prepare for the worst, expect the best and trust in my training and the universe. It's really that simple.

As for the bike anxiety. I am SO bored with it and ready to move on.

Moving forward....




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