Fear - Part I


It's been a tough two weeks mentally. As I wrote in my previous post I was swiped by a SUV on the bike on the way home from work in rush hour. 2 days later a local cyclist was killed by a car on a road I ride, a road that is very safe for cyclists.  That changed my entire sense of reality. While I have come close to crashing thanks to careless drivers far too many times, I had yet to actually made contact with them. This hits too close to home. I was afraid. I did not know how to resolve this. It is not an irrational fear. It is a reality. I always held onto a bit of denial but that denial was swept away when I heard about the cyclist.


A week later,  I went back out on the road with really supportive cyclists who made it possible for me to ride and feel comfortable. We even rode near the site where I was swiped which was healing. I am so grateful. I finished that ride on my own heading home. Riding alone though is a challenge. I rode home that day and was fine but it was stressful when more cars came along. They get too close to my bike lane line and I pray they won't veer into my lane. Behind me I hear more action than I'd like from the cars and I fear something is going wrong and they will crash into me. All it takes is a second and my children are mother-less.  


I tried riding the coast on my own the other day.  It went well until I was riding in rush hour. Too many cars. People cutting me off.  I stopped at Starbucks. I felt like I was bonking. I was angry at the cars and freaking out. My stomach was in knots and I was tearful. Ok I need to reset. I still have 2 hours of riding left. I get a text from James that he was called into work. That means I need to get home and take Liam to soccer. I am relieved. I am DONE with this ride today! I meet James half way holding my breath as I coast through a major sketchy intersection. I'm relieved yet disappointed in myself for not completing that day's ride.


Something needs to change.


I have some days off from riding.


I have time for some self exploration and problem solving.






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