Ironman Arizona... the Sequel -Race Report

Training for and completing an Ironman is never a solo endeavor. I would not have done this without the support of my family and friends. Thank you to my family near and far: James Field (for always listening to my processing, feeding  me, pumping my tires, ordering my tires and tubes, always asking me how my workout went, reassuring me that I could in fact do this, driving the kids everywhere, worrying for me about logistics on race day and running nearly every long run with me on the weekend when you could be sleeping in.), my kiddos Luna, Liam, Byron and Codi;  my sister Allison; nieces Valerie (for always being there at the swim start to make sure I get my butt in that water!) and  Kyrie (for always being there the day before, you are always so centering); nephew Leo, great niece Emily, sister-in-law Sherri; my awesome step- mom, Joan; and my incredible mother-in-law and father-in law Karen and Darwin. Thank you dear friends: Coach Julie Dunkle (for so much more than I can list), Coach Shangrila Rendon for helping e swim; my very first triathlon coaches Mike Cannon, Sara Lyons and Tom Zimlich for starting me on this amazing journey. Jenny Enstrom, my chiropractor for your encouragement and putting me back together, Cathy Becker, my massage therapist for keeping me together, Tri Club San Diego and my Fil Am Tri Club Families.

I was starting to get the bug to race again, maybe in 2018- it reminded me of having another kid. 9 mos preparation then the big painful amazing day. Some time passes, the old race is getting older and its time for a new one, right? I made a joke on facebook that my IMAZ medal needs a sibling. And right away Sarabelle replies that Fil Am has guaranteed entry, just let Scott know. For 2017? At the time I was wearing a CAM boot for a plantar fascia tear. I was miserable. I cancelled races that year because of that. I looked at my boot . I hate you boot! I’m going to bounce right back and do another Ironman, damn it! I did it. I signed up.

Training was physically harder but we also stepped it up with more speedwork this time around. My goal was not to just finish but to finish stronger and faster. My knee and foot tolerated training well. I took pretty good care of them in training. I hit and even exceeded my numbers and even peaked right before taper. Mentally though, this time was different. My 1^st IMAZ I actively worked on mental strengthening. The training consumed most of my life. It was central. For my sanity and my family’s I chose this time to not let it take over. Thus I wasn’t nearly as focused. I did my training but was more flexible and less obsessed. It became one of the many things I balance daily. I had less fanfare which was both positive and negative. The first time I was fundraising, I was sharing my training experiences, I was sponsored. I had my entire organization behind me cheering me on. This time I wanted to try without all of the attention- which I loved but I needed to see what I was made of.  Less pressure to perform going in. And I’m sure people were tired of hearing about my training day in and day out.

As I was approaching race day I had a boat load of anxiety. I let it out, I didn’t suppress it. But that meant everyday I was anxious about something. I was doubting myself somehow. I tried to acknowledge my anxiety and go with it. I did and worked through many days of unreasonable fretting. However what stuck that I just couldn’t shake was the idea that I never really actively or intentionally mentally trained. Would I be as mentally strong? Or would I get in my own way? And on top of that race day falls on the worst possible day in my cycle. In the few days before menses, I have self doubt and crazy moods that come and go like clockwork.  My self confidence plummets. I warned my coach and spouse.  I told myself to just be aware, remember my numbers and accept whatever happens.  I’m still a badass no matter what.

The Few Days Before Race Day

Thursday, I arrived and saw so many friends. I love this race for that. I didn’t sleep much, about 6 hours that night. I was wide awake and wired until midnight---bad! Very bad. My bedtime is around 8:30 and I need a minimum of 7.5 hours each night. I couldn’t nap the next day even though it was scheduled.

Friday night- the crucial night for sleep. I’m surprisingly calm about the race but wired and anxious overall. I am focused on race preparation and sleep. No sleep- anxiety about no sleep- knowing I need to sleep- omg- I cant sleep- I need to sleep- what if I don’t?- what if I fail because of no sleep?- why cant I sleep- I took Benadryl-I’m tired!—I need to sleep—I’m NOT sleeping--over and over. And another night of suboptimal sleep. I must take that scheduled nap later.

Saturday- the nap failed, I lay there for an hour visualizing the race, mainly transitions. No sleep. By that night most of my family was here which was awesome James, Liam and Melissa were to arrive around 11pm. I wasn’t waiting up and James planned to sleep in the kids’ room to not wake me.  I spent time with my niece, nephew and grand niece and friends at the Fil Am potluck. It was great. Bedtime came around- 9pm. I finish mixing my drinks for the bike ride and have everything ready for the morning.  Bedtime. Nope- not sleeping. Maybe I should have taken up drinking pre race. Others do to relax but no- I do not drink in the weeks/months prior to a race. NO sleep- anxiety- no sleep- more anxiety. I text James as he is about to board the plane. I CANT SLEEP! I SHOULD BE SLEEPING! Maybe I just need him. I try to sleep. Nothing. James arrives- I should be able to sleep now even though it will be only 3 hours- my alarm is set for 3am. I change it to 3:15 when he arrives for 15 more min.  I change it to 3:30 then 3:45. OMG no sleep. James sleeps intermittently. It is noisy outside and quiets down. I go through the cycle- I need to sleep- I’m trying- what if this – what if that? I FINALLY fall asleep and wake up to someone shouting something. It’s time to go! Must be the other athletes outside ready to go. It must be 3:30. Its not, its 1:30. And it’s the neighbor in the room next door---NOT getting ready for a race. Neighbor, please please be quiet- nope. I change my alarm to 4:00. The rest of the night- cycle of trying to sleep- not sleeping- freaking out only this time really freaking out- feeling my heart race headed for a low key panic attack. Neighbors still loud and finally the hotel manager knocks at their door. They are quiet after that. Oh good, now maybe I can sleep.

Except… Its’ 3:45am!!!

In those hours I worried. I worried about my mental strength. I worried that I’d give up. I worried of a DNF (Did Not Finish) or worse a DNS (Did Not Show). I went dark. I had no self confidence and I cried. Clearly it was the PMS mixed with lack of sleep and sprinkles of anxiety. I then remembered my numbers. I remembered that people I love came a long way just to support me. I knew physically I could do this. I’m in way better shape this time around. It’s going to be okay. I will give it my best. I will see what I’m made of—now even while sleep deprived.

Time to get up and get ready. Liam comes by- he is ready to go. James drives him over and returns quickly. Liam had to be at his volunteer post earlier than I needed to leave. He arrived late last night with James and was up and ready. He was a volunteer lifeguard for the swim. I am so so proud of him. That alone fueled my heart. That alone was enough to snap me out of my funk.

I put on my headphones, blasted my race music and got ready.

Off to Tempe Town Lake.

Set up was easy and smooth. My wetsuit was already on when I arrived- to prevent  me from being late to my start. Last time I tried to run away and James had to help me get my wetsuit on. I see Coach Julie. She asks how I am. Oh don’t ask me an open ended question like that!

I’m scared. I am afraid of myself. I am afraid of self sabotage. I am scared of giving up. I haven’t actually defined what that means other than I have done it at previous marathons.  I mentally give up, I still finish but finish ashamed knowing I gave up in my heart.  I have come way too far to regress to that place. I’m slowly having my pre swim panic which is good. It is inevitable and needs to happen before I get into the water. So really all is going as planned. I spend months in my cerebral brain and at times the limbic brain needs to blow off steam. Pre race catharsis, then start the race in peace and race well.  I was nearly at that panic when I saw Coach.  She reminded me to break the race into pieces, into laps and not focus on the end. Oh yeah! That s what I did last time and it worked well. Okay. I hung onto her words and did just that. I move onto the bathroom line. I do my business and have a really big long cry in there. And that was THE catharsis. And that’s it. I’m ready. I came out and saw my family- James, Allison, Luna, Melissa and Parker. I hadn’t seen Melissa yet as she came late. She is Luna’s best friend who was at my last Ironman- now she’s part of the tradition. Parker, Luna’s boyfriend is taking pics- oh dear I can’t imagine how those will turn out. Weepy mom about to do her second Ironman. I couldn’t breathe –another panic coming. My family shows tough love and tells me to settle down and its time to get going. Someone tells me they saw my niece Valerie who is waiting for me at the swim line. She was there last time when I was freaking out and I got it together because of her. I head over and feel so much better this time. I was still terrified but I walked over on my own without James nudging me. Then I saw a bunch of Fil Am friends and family. I was thrilled to see them. We were all in the same start wave. I see Valerie and tell her to tell everyone I’m fine, I have friends here. Right before I get to the steps I see Coach Julie and quickly ask her about strategy. I always swim bouy to buoy and I’m comfortable with all of the swim traffic but my other racing buddy said to swim on the edge with less traffic, it is faster. Coach concurs, swim on the edge. Hmmm I haven’t done that in a long time. My sighting is best buoy to buoy and so I swim in a straight line. Swimming on the edge would be a new strategy.

SWIM

7:15am- Ready! No fear. It feels great to be in the water. I start on the far right planning to swim on this side until the turn around. At the same time I am calculating and thinking I should make a line over to the buoys after the bridge or should I do this at the turnaround? The shortest distance from point a to b is the hypotenuse. So now where do I sight? The bridge? Too broad for a straight line. I stop and bob to see where I am going to sight. I have no idea which to choose and no time to sit here and think it through so I just go and swim with the group. Clearly I’m no longer on the far right side. I’m in the middle. Not efficient. I need to choose. So I go for the buoys.  I head back in to the buoys and go straight to the next one. I swam over a few people wondering why they are near the buoys. Sighting is getting to be a challenge as the sun come up – we are swimming into the sun. All I can see are black silhouettes. I see the kayaker and sight there until I can see the buoy. Kayaker closely aligned and the buoy appears nicely in front. The rest of the swim was smooth minus a few elbows. Yes immediately after I elbowed some poor swimmer I was elbowed in the eye knocking my goggles down a bit but not off. Karma is a bummer. I wanted to look for Liam as he was one of the lifeguards out there. I looked when we started but decided there were too many and I’d slow down. Besides, I’d talk to him if I saw him and distract him from his job. The rest of the swim was pretty uneventful. Near the end of the swim I reviewed my T1 goals and plan. I wanted to get out of transition in 9 minutes. I reviewed my plan- cooperate with wetsuit strippers, remember to unsnap my Garmin, run to tent, change, do not chat with volunteers, remember tracker, get in, get out.

Swim Goal: 1:45 

Actual Time: 1:48 – close but not there.    In 2015: 1:58:12 (-10 min)

Lesson learned: I needed to commit to a strategy from the start. Zig zagging between the right side and the bouys slowed me down.

Pre Swim Nutrition: Everything bagel with vegan cream cheese, nutritional yeast (450 kcal)

1L fluids (ultima, coconut powder, salt, starbucks refresher powder)

½ L ultima, coco powder, salt, carbo pro (1 scoop) (160 cal)

T1

Smooth. I felt great coming out of the water and ran to the tent. It felt so good to run. I rarely run out of the water so was pretty happy. I saw on my Garmin on my way running out of the tent to my bike it was about 9 min. So I had to hurry. I got to my bike and got out of there. I heard my friends and family cheering me on and saw Luna and Parker while I was riding out of the chute.

T1 Goal: 09:00

Actual Time: 09:56      In 2015: 11:52 (-almost 2min)

Lesson learned: Good to have run T1. Different socks. My plantar fasciitis compression socks take a long time to put on feet. Rinse feet next time, spent too much time trying to get the grass off my feet.

Nutrition: cup of miso soup

Bike

So happy to be on the bike. According to the weather report the night before, temperature perfect but 10-15mph winds NE meaning partial headwind going up the Beeline but then the partial tailwind going down the Beeline. I’m hoping the weather report changed since then. My plan is if I struggle with a headwind to add 30 min to my goal time AND BE OK WITH IT. I don’t like headwinds. I’ll take heat, cold, rain but I haven’t really embraced headwinds yet. Obviously, I have to accept what the day gives me and I do.

As I was headed out of town to the beeline in the flats, I felt some wind depending on which direction the road was going. By the last road before the turn on the Beeline it was a pretty hefty crosswind coming from the East. And so yes there will be quite a headwind once I turn left. I stay in the lowest aero I can and go for it. My heart rate is going up. I need to stay in zone 2. My Garmin shows zone 4.3. I feel okay but I am clearly working. I want to push it to get this part overwith but I also know that I will get too tired if I expend all my energy here. I try to lower the HR. I get it down to 3.8-4.0. The rest of the ride I’m trying to lower he HR and pass people. So many people to pass. So many people riding two abreast. WTF? It’s an Ironman, why why WHY are you riding like that? Why are you riding in the middle of the road? You’ve made it to an Ironman, Id like to think you know the rules and proper riding etiquette by now? I’m getting cranky. “Eat. Drink. Suck it up. Quit fussing.” I tell myself.

Going up the beeline if I ride slow enough for a zone 2 Id be going too slow. I’m already going way too slow. Goal was to average 17.2mph and I’m seeing 12mph up the beeline and average of 13.5 mph. I remind myself there is a downhill and tailwind and start calculating what I need to do going down.  As I get to the top I am feeling the effort. This time is not nearly as easy as the last Ironman. I know I should have gone slower. Okay, recover on the down. I start at 30 mph and LOVE it. I push down the beeline as it flattens to keep that. This is awesome. And my heart rate zone is over 4. Damn it. I like going fast. I slow down to 20 something mph and even lower to bring the heart rate down. Get to town happy to see how fast coming back was. My average moves up to 16.1mph. I hear my friends and family cheer me at the turnaround. My energy is lower, I’m getting tired. I am sleepy tired. My legs feel fine. I desperately want to nap. If I didn’t have a marathon to run after this I could have pushed it harder exhausting myself at the end but achieving one heck of a PR. I still need to get that average up. Okay so I should go slower up the beeline or should I maintain what I did and recover on the downhill? Bah! I don’t know. I just need to ride this damn ride. Lap two was harder going up. I was getting grumpier. I dreamed of stopping at the medical tent for a 5min nap. I know 5 min is all I need. I zone out and hit a cone on the way back to the beeline. I didn’t even see it. Fortunately, I stayed up and kept going. Wake up, Cecily.

I am taking in nutrition according to plan every 15 min despite my protesting stomach. Soo nauseaus. I just want water, no electrolytes, no sugar, no food. But know that I have to stick to the plan.

Im not shaking the fussiness going up the beeline. Im not hitting a wall but Im not having fun either. Im thinking this is my last full Ironman I do. I’m good. I’ve achieved so much in my life and have nothing to prove to myself. However, today I am still going to give this my best. I think about my training, my strength, and my support team. I sing aloud. I recite movie quotes aloud and laugh. I do whatever I need to do to get to the top. The heart rate is till too high, it is stressful worrying about my zones. Still my legs are fine, I’m just sleepy. Finally the turn around. 2 downhills left and only 1 uphill left. I could pick it up here. Not as fast on the downhill this time but I am also trying to lower my heart rate. I am realizing the 6:30 goal is going out the window and need to accept the added 30 minutes. Unless I push my hardest which of course if I didn’t have a marathon after I could, it would be Ironman suicide if I did that. I want to finish. I want to run a decent run. If I push to get my original bike goal I risk sacrificing my run and walking it. Am I okay with that? I like bike PRs. I’ve walked a lot on the run in the past. I will finish, no doubt there. Am I okay with the risk of walking the run? I’m not. If I pull back on the bike now, I can save the run. If I have an amazing perfect run I could still finish in my better goal time. To ensure I save my run I need to dial way down on the heart rate. That’s sooo slow. So I compromise and focus on my heart rate  but not to the detriment of my ride. I accept the additional 30 min for a 7:00 ride. Ugh. But if I go slower I will have an even slower ride time.

Last lap. The folks riding at the turnaround are taking up the whole road. I need to pass them. For goodness sakes people, please stay right. It’s not rocket science. The last lap up was less windy. I wish I had a better energy balance to take advantage of this. I was tired. I was weepy.

Crying Up the Beeline

Cat Stevens’ Wild World is playing at the aid station. I love that song and start singing it after I pass the station. I think about Luna and cried. Tears of joy for her independence, her life at college. I miss my daughter. I want her to have a great life. And of course I’m her mom, I worry.

“Oh baby baby it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breaking my heart in two
'Cause I never want to see you sad girl…But if you want to leave take good care
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
Beware”

Earlier I had been singing RockABye aloud. I thought of my oldest son, Byron. I think about what I overcame to keep him. I was a teen mom with him and blessed with this amazing son. I would never change a thing. He grew up to be an amazing, loving, conscientious, strong, brilliant man. I’m proud. I cried and cried.

“She tells him, ‘Oh, love, no one's ever gonna hurt you, love
I'm gonna give you all of my love
Nobody matters like you’
(Stay out there, stay out there)
She tells him, "Your life ain't gonna be nothing like my life
You're gonna grow and have a good life
I'm gonna do what I've got to do"
(Stay out there, stay out there)
So, Rockabye baby, Rockabye
I'm gonna rock you
Rockabye baby, don't you cry
Somebody's got you”

I think about sweet Liam. He volunteered. He got up early and made sure folks were safe in the water. He always steps up. He has always been the best race Sherpa ever! I am so proud of him. My kids rock. I miss them. I cannot wait to see my family on the run. I think about some other things that make me cry. Childhood baggage comes up and I realize how significant my adult life has been. I think about the good that I do everyday or at least try. How strong I am. Yes, I am strong. I will be a 2x Ironman before I sleep tonight. OMG – sleep. Can I please sleep??? Coming back down the final loop there is no more tailwind. Kind of a cruel joke from Mother Nature. I am happy to be finishing up. I am looking forward to the run- the party at IMAZ. I will see my family and friends.

I make a firm decision – no matter what- while I know I won’t be happy with my bike time, I will let it go. However, I WILL move on and HAVE A GOOD RUN. I will not give up. I will enjoy it. I tell myself aloud I will have a GOOD run over and over. I work towards decreasing the heart rate I the last part of the ride in preparation for T2 and the run. I review my T2 plan. Goal is 6 minutes. I also realize that for the last loop of the ride my eyes were blurry. I move my sunglasses thinking they are dirty but no, it’s my eyes. I can’t read anything nor recognize faces. My eyes are dry from the wind. I’ll need to rinse them in T2.

Goal: 6:30 (7:00 if wind)

Actual Time: 7:04     In 2015: 6:44 (+20min)

Lesson Learned: I should have gone slower up the first lap. More wind training. I need a power meter. I am not sure what was real as my legs were fine. Could I have given more? Was it perceived? Was it due to lack of sleep? Later, I found out the HR zones were incorrect and I was in fact not riding at 3.8-4.2 but was 2.8-3.2 which is still high but not insanely high. More bike training.

Nutrition: 2 gel flasks 1100kcal (Gu salted caramel and Gu Gingerade), Fluid  (6 Tbsp Coco Hydro, 4 NUUN, 2 Scoops Carbo Pro, 1tsp salt, 2L water), ½-1 bottle water at every bike aid station, 1/3 Justins choc hazelnut butter packet 52kcal- carry on bike, ½ small pack potato chips

T2

Oh my eyes, this is weird. I can do what I need to do but its weird. The volunteer flushes my eyes but no change. Oh well.I need to get moving here. T2 is way better that the last Ironman where it was wet and cold. It was actually quite warm and gross in the changing tent.

Goal: 06:00

Actual Time: 08:05       In 2015: 19:09 (-11min)

Lesson learned: Time lost due to messing with my eyes and trying to see the smaller stuff in my bag.

Nutrition: mouthful of water

Run

 

I came out of the tent thrilled that I’m not freezing. Way better than 2015. Other than nausea, I felt great. Luna, Melissa, Allison and Parker are right there. From a small distance, I can barely tell them apart with their sunglasses on. I hug them and am thrilled to see them. I explain that I can’t see clearly, things are blurry. Luna suggests I eat thinking it is low blood sugar. Sugars fine, just dry eyes. I’m off to the run and feel great.

Goal is to start at low zone 2 and increase later. Uh oh, I’m well over zone 4. So the first 2 miles I try to work with this. Lowering the heart rate. I try walking and it only drops to 3.8. WTF? I am NOT walking. I jog even slower, 3.9. I jog walk. I feel fine. I feel like running. Maybe I need to pee. Ok I will stop at the mile 2 porta potty, pee and drop the HR. Afterwards my heart rate is lower in the low 3’s. Maybe I’m hot and do not feel it. It will cool down really soon when the sun goes down. This is stressing me out. I don’t want to walk. I don’t feel like walking. I feel like running even if it is slow.

Decision time. No more looking at the heart rate zones and pace. I’m running based on feeling and hoping my perceived effort is accurate. I hope this is the right decision. I felt great. I was working but I was focused. It wasn’t by far an easy easy run but it wasn’t hard either. I can hold this for the next 24 miles. I saw James and Liam around mile 3 where all the tents are. I tell James about my heart rate zones being too high and I’m choosing to go on effort instead because they are wrong. Im feeling fine. Liam tells me I have some friends ahead waiting for me – he has a big smile. I’m thinking- “oh great! Fil Am, TCSD, Luna. Yay!” Well no, my friends are the group of young guys in speedos. Haha!!! Hilarious. I soaked in the cheers and high fives, giggled and kept running. I love this run. I love the crowd.

I peek at my pace- well not great but very steady. It’s also my long run training pace, a minute slower per mile than I hoped for. I’ll hold here. I have a long way to run. If I pick it up this early I risk crashing later. I will re evaluate at mile 20 and pick it up then. I pass the TCSD tent, lots of folks cheering there. So happy to see them however I did not stop and hug everyone—I wanted to but I had a run to do. I was focused and at this point the main goal was to run this whole thing (except when drinking at the aid station because well, I still cannot drink and run without spilling or the drink going up my nose- it’s a lost cause). I will run up the inclines. I will maintain this steady pace. THAT is the good run.

I see Coach Julie on the other side of the lake. Great to see her. I tell her what happened with the HR zone and my choice to ignore it and listen to my body with the goal of maintaining a steady run. I sure hope she has a better idea. She tells me to go with it and stay steady. I feel fine. Its not super easy but comfortable.

Curry hill. I run up it (later when I looked at my Training Peaks I saw I maintained the exact same pace going up the hill. Cool!). I felt fine, definitely increased my heart rate but it is uphill, that is supposed to happen. Last time in 2015 I walked every incline and descent as well as the full distance of every aid station. I also stopped to pee many many times and hugged everyone I made eye contact with. No hugs today except for family. Going up the hill I was thinking I kind of liked it. I should have Julie work with me more on hills like this. More hills after IMAZ. My knee and foot felt fine so I ran down the hill (usually taboo). Its race day, why not?? I thought I’d see James by now but no sighting of him or an of my family. I wanted to tell him how I ran up the Curry hill and I felt great. I also needed him to take my gel flasks. I had two and they were weighing me down. I wasn’t eating them. My gut was too unhappy so I stuck with calories on the race course- Gatorade, soda/red bull (yep- haven’t had this in years, wouldn’t touch the stuff in real life--but it didn’t hurt my gut!!), banana, orange and clif shot bloks. I would have been happier with just water and no sugar but I needed the calories. I’m starting to get tired as I approach the other side for lap 2. Maybe slower up Curry hill next time, I tell myself. Im good though. Pace still steady. Heart rate zone steady at 3.7-3.8.

Stomach really pissed off. So I try my sweet potato at special needs. And look there’s my toothbrush! I can write a whole page on the toothbrush as it is by far the best thing ever in my special needs. I eat some of the potato- cute visual holding a whole cooked sweet potato and taking bites as I run. Not weird at all. It was delicious but too dry. I hang onto it since it doesn’t hurt my gut. I’m starting to really need to see my family. I started calculating my finishing time at this pace and I am heartbroken. Nowhere near goal. But a little better than 2015. Damn. What do I need to do to pick up my average pace? Eek! run really fast for the next 11 miles.  How do I feel? I feel good but I feel like this is all I can maintain for the next 11 miles without bonking. I can revisit at mile 20 or even 23 and see if I can throw down. But I do hurt. I’m not having fun anymore. No wall but not pleasant either. I just need a boost and the sweet potato only lasted seconds. I’m tired and everything looks longer. The entire side of the other side of the lake is sooo long. It is daunting. I have so much more to do. I run past transition. Damn, I don’t like this anymore. I’m starting to spiral down in my head. I need help. I need support. There are way less tents in this area- I’m passing where I passed the speedo guys and they’re gone except one. Come back Speedo friends!!!

I remember Coach Julie telling me to break it into pieces. Lets do that. Okay run to the TCSD tent, ask for help there, maybe someone will say something awesome or better, run with me. I chant “TCSD, TCSD.TCSD,TCSD..” and hear someone call my name –its James!!! He is in transition getting my bike. I yell out “Wall!” to communicate that the wall may be approaching but I will fight it and win. But only “wall” came out. “What?” He asks. “F-ing Wall!!!” I yell and  pass. I keep chanting aloud TCSD TCSD and there’s the tent. I feel a little better and then the next goal is the Tempe center for the arts. It’s a beautiful building. My niece, Kyrie had her college graduation ceremony here. “Arts, Arts, Arts, Arts, Arts, Arts….” And I pass it. Next “Bridge, bridge, bridge, bridge..” I fee fine by the time I get to the bridge and the negativity passes.

I’m on the other side of the lake. The long dark part but last loop. Its work but I’m fine. I’m looking forward to seeing Coach Julie again. I hear a song, I cant remember what and start to cry. Okay, catharsis time, it will be a good thing. My pace is still spot on steady. I am nowhere near giving up. I’m just emotional and that’s ok. Honestly I want to curl up on the ground and nap for 5 min. I see Chris Holley, one of my TCSD friends. He asks how I am doing. I tell him I want to cry but I’m fine. He runs with me. That is great. Then I see Liam and Allison! Yay family!!! I ask them to run with me and they do. They stay with me for quite a long time. I got to hear about Liam’s volunteer experience and the speedo guys were actually volunteers with him so he knew them. Haha!!! Allison has coconut vodka in her bag and offers me one. Oh lord no! I can barely drink watered down Gatorade. This is great though. I feel good. I’m having fun now. Allison and Liam peel off right as I see Coach Julie. She runs with me. I tell her how it has been. She tells me what my transition times are. Not bad, not goal, but better than last time. She peels off and there is James. This is so cool!!! Did they plan this? Continuous running buddies all the way down the other side. I literally had a running buddy exactly where I potentially could have hit my wall. We head up the street and there are Luna, Melissa and Parker. The five of us run up Curry Hill. Luna is blasting music form her iphone. She picks 50 cent’s Candy Shop (no I cannot post the lyrics here) because she knows I love this song. It makes me laugh and is SOOOO inappropriate. I giggle and sing it. I’m focused though. I’m hurting but maintaining pace. Mile 20 came and went- it was when I was running with Allison and Liam and there was no way I could pick it up then. Top of the hill. I had a crew going up and I was so worried other runners and walkers would be irritated by my boisterous following. I’m really hurting. Not sure if my ankle is going to just give way but I’m almost done. Pace still the same as well as heart rate zone. Parker sweetly reminds me I’m pretty much done, only a 5k left. He would make a good coach. I’m running a ridiculously slow pace which means a 5k is still 40-45 min away! It’s all good. I run down the hill and keep going. My group disappears and I feel bad leaving them but if I stopped I may stop for good. I need to get to the finish now. I take some more Gatorade on the last part of the other side and it is concentrated. Ugh. That just made my gut so much worse. No more nutrition. I’m done. I feel decent though. I made it through the mental challenge and won.

I cross the bridge and am thrilled to see other folks. A woman tells me how great my support team is. I tell her it is my family and I hope they weren’t too obnoxious or distracting. She said no way, she liked it and they boosted her along too.

Mile 25. Happy to run 25 miles. So happy. But the finish line is soooo far! Okay little pieces. “center for the arts, center for the arts, center for the arts, center for the arts…” And here it is. Close to the finish. And there is James???? Huh? What is he doing here? He runs with me and says I’m pretty much done. Oh no I’m not!!! I’m not. I still don’t know if I’ll finish. Anything can happen. I’m not calling it until I cross that finish line. Seriously my ankle could give way, aliens could come and abduct us all, ANYTHING can happen. So I have to stay focused. I see TCSD folks cheering in the road and I am so happy to see them. I so want to stop and hug each and every one of my friends but I can’t. I apologize to them. I run under the bridge, turn onto Ash –Im still not sure. I saw the Lap2/Finish lanes on the road and happily went down the FINISH lane.

I keep saying to myself in actual disbelief. “I really am going to FINISH. I’m going to finish. FINISH. Finish.” I got tearful as I entered the chute and approached the left turn on to Rio Salado to the finish line. I stopped to take it all in. I looked down at the bright lights hearing Mike Reilly announce other Ironman finishers. Such a powerful place. It’s like I died and came back to life. I’m going to finish! I truly surprised myself. I know logically it makes no sense. I was brought down to my knees and I bawled crying like a baby. I’m going to finish this f-er!! I said to myself. I hear the crowd telling me to go get my finish. I get up, wipe my eyes and smile. I run high five-ing everyone on the side.

All of the pain was gone once again.

The magic was right there and I was in it and feeling it.

I’m on the carpet hearing Mike Reilly say my name (correctly too!). I hear someone (later realized it was Liam) shouting “Go Mom!”

The lights are bright.

I cross that magical finish line.

Twice! I am an Ironman.

And there is my family.

Goal (run): 5:59

Actual Time (run): 6:23        In 2015: 6:37 (-14 min)

Lessons learned: Check the triathlon setting on my Garmin. Apparently it was not set the same as my run and bike Heart Rate settings? So I was racing at zone 2.8 not 3.8. Which was actually fine, my perceived effort was in line with that and that is all I could really do to hang on stay consistent.

Nutrition: Every aid station - water, Gatorade; some cola and red bull; bananas, oranges, clif shot bloks, sweet potato

Overall Goal: 14:10-14:59

Actual Time: 15:34      In 2015: 15:51 (-17 min)

Lessons Learned: Sleep, I need sleep. 12-13 hours over 3 nights is not enough. Self Confidence- Lack of sleep and where I was in my cycle were factors that worked against me. Had I been racing even a few days before I likely would not have had that lingering self doubt. I was strong though and never even came close to mentally giving up. I’m happy with that.