Philippine Journey- Day 2 The Funeral

The first service began at 8am in the chapel where the wake was being held. The schedule was to start with the service then proceed to Arlington Crematorium, wait a few hours for the second and final autopsy, cremation ceremony and return to the church with the ashes to place in the wall.

The service was an open casket. Ending with sprinkling holy water on Joey. Family could say goodbye. It was heartwrenching. Joey left behind his wife and two young daughters. His mother, Mely (my father’s first wife)  already lost a son just a few years ago. And of course his sister, Cynthia no longer has her brothers as she is one of 3 in this family. Cynthia spoke and talked of her brother. Joey’s wife spoke and his children has words to say. Hearing about him only confirmed how amazing he really was. Beautiful and painful. As it was time to close the casket, tears flowed more. Hearing his mother cry out “my Joey” brought me to tears. A mother losing not one but two children is incomprehensible.

We witnessed the casket closing and the pallbearers moving him to the vehicle. I realized I was riding in the same car as his mother and sister, a real honor. We followed the cars to the crematorium in a processional. I was impressed that the Manila traffic actually let most of us in. The crematorium was guarded and entering in the boundaries, it felt like a resort. There was a small, elegant chapel reserved for us. We waited for the autopsy. A family friend was a physician who offered to do a second examination prior to cremation. We don’t know what exactly happened other than he was diving. He as an experienced diver. He did not have any major preexisting conditions. He was diving with his daughter, brought her back to the boat and went for a solo dive. Another diver later found him dead. It is not clear whether it was faulty diving equipment or his heart.

We waited, connected  with one another and snacked. I got to know my niece, his oldest daughter who is 13 who is very serious and poised. His wife, Lynne is an amazing woman of strength and also a nurse. I connected with Juny, a cousin who was really engaging, absolutely delightful and concerned about my eating.  Lunch was served in another room, a buffet. I could eat the garlic rice. I got to know another cousin, Elen who I liked a lot. She photographed everyone and the whole days. Cynthia had been talking about making plans to go to the beach tomorrow. A cousin was able to find a resort and they were able to help us figure out how to get there as well as what time. Wednesday is the day before Maundy Thursday and there would be a lot of traffic. So at the table it was decided by the family it was best to leave at 4am. Yikes. The plan was to rent a car and a driver. Because well, driving in Manila is impossible. If one can drive here they can drive anywhere. Traffic is completely chaotic, lane lines and stop signs are optional- really! And crossing the street is a risk as no one stops in the crosswalk. Cars, jeepneys, pedicabs, motorcycles, pedestrians all weave in and out. I’m amazed that I haven’t seen a scratch or fender bender yet. The autopsy took a little longer than 2 hours and the doctor came back and stated it is either the heart or brain and some samples needed to be studied but everything was examined and collected and we could move forward with the cremation.

The director of the crematorium was elegant, soothing and strong. She spelled out exactly what would happen. The cremation would last 90 minutes and after that we would have our service. We participated in some rituals prior to cremation. Initially the bed where Joey would lie was brought out through these doors which when opened you only saw a curtain, the stretcher/bed was passed through. It was lined with a beautiful ruffled white sheet. Family members placed flower petals in it. We prayed. They took back the stretcher and prepared his body. While this was happening, they brought out a cardboard box top that fit over him. We were given markers to write a note to him. Joey was a mountaineer. I wrote to him to climb the highest mountain in heaven and look after his beautiful family and that I looked forward to racing a triathlon with him in the next life. The director sang a song that his wife chose that was special to them. His body was prepared in the back and ready for cremation. There was a viewing room where immediate family members could view him first. He was on the flower petaled bed. We could see him from head to toe all dressed. The casket only revealed him from the waist up. His family and mother went in and wailed. It was heartbreaking. I was invited to come in by a cousin. It was powerful and intense to see him lying there, not in a casket and with the cremation door right at his head. I left and took a deep breath. Once the family was ready, it was time for his cremation. This was to last 90 min. We waited, connected, snacked and picked mangoes outside. I could smell the burning when I was outside picking mangoes. More waiting, connecting and snacking.

The cremation was complete and they brought out his ashes through the door with the urn open at the top. Family could feel the warm ashes in the bag in the urn. His bones held a green hue which was rare and special. We were told that this indicated he was a really good person. His wife and daughters were given a small packet of ashes and a necklace to keep.

We went back to the church to place his ashes in the wall and have one last prayer. Joey’s nephew, Allen (Joey’s brother, Arthur’s son) was waiting for us there. I was thrilled to meet him. The wall was opened. Arthur’s urn was in there along with an aunt. His wife gently placed his urn in there and it was time to close up the wall.

I have never had the honor of witnessing such a complete funeral ritual. From the days he laid in wake never left alone so to avoid his being lonely to the services, the cremation and burial.

It was evening and dinner time. I was tired and tempted to skip dinner altogether and sleep, but also knew everything would be closed Thursday and tomorrow we would be gone at the beach all day. I wanted a chance to eat at this vegan Filipino restaurant so I went and it did not disappoint. I had vegan Pancit and fresh ginger juice. I ordered some vegan lumpia and cookies for the trip tomorrow.