The Taper Lurks Eerily Around The Corner

Taper starts soon. I’m ready. Two weeks ago the thought of taper sent me into a near panic attack. I know all the training is done, the hay is in the barn they say, but really? What if there are a few haystacks missing? How do I know if there is enough? I can’t quantify it and if I cannot quantify I cannot be sure.

And bam!

I get sick.

I CAN NOT get sick, these are the last two weeks before taper. This is my opportunity to find just one more haystack to get in that barn.  The week before I was sick I was having intermittent brief little chest pressure/pains whether at work or home. Enough to make me think. Enough to make me realize I am turning into my anxious patients. Okay, Cecily you need to settle down and breathe. You may be vegan and fit but anxiety is what is going to be your downfall. Intention set- lots of daily deep breathing and visualization.

Tuesday evening, I cough a few times probably some leftover pool water postnasal drip choking me when I go to bed. Wednesday morning run- WTH? I can’t breathe? Why does it feel like altitude running? I’m not coughing. I’m not sick. I’m tired but nothing out of the ordinary. Just getting up at 4:30am kind of tired. My legs hurt. My whole body hurts. I feel out of shape- like REALLY out of shape—like I just started training....ever! Quads are sore on the run, hips just want to bleed out lactic acid. Not a happy run today. My heart rate zone is high and I’m struggling to bring it down. Even walking I am out of breath and my HR is higher than it should be. Oh well finish the run and go to work. Maybe I overtrained? NOT- there is NO overtraining. 

That night I am driving to Liam’s soccer. I am freezing in my car. Windows closed. No AC or heat but it is 78 deg out. I get really crazy chills. I want to blast the heat. Yes I am almost always cold but this was ridiculous. I refuse to turn on the heat out of principle. I get out of the car to see Liam and it feels like the arctic. Crap! I need a sweatshirt. It’s so cold. James feels my head and says I am burning up. No it’s just from the hot car, I never rolled down the windows. Yes, I know I am burning up and I feel funny. I’m NOT sick. But I should head home and go to bed early to prevent anything else. Fever spikes through the night to 102. I’m in a whole other world of delirium and headache. The next morning I feel better but weird. I feel exhausted from sleeping in 1-2 hour increments. My body is tired but not painful. No joint pain so unlikely influenza. But man, it’s hard to breathe. I am well enough to go to work. I should skip today’s workout and sleep as soon as I get home.

Friday morning I try my workout. I’m feeling better, about 80%. I’m worried about being sick but not really knowing what I have. If I could diagnose it I could at least treat it. The bike ride is supposed to be easy. My muscles hurt and I am riding like a turtle and out of breath. Riding in aero is excruciating on my arms. I’m discouraged, cry and cut it short in hopes that the run off the bike will be better. I run with James and am out of breath the whole time. I’m done. I’m angry, very angry. 

Okay game plan- sleep. I go to work and come home and sleep. Saturday is Liam’s big cross country meet. Just make it to that. Long story short, thought it could be pneumonia, felt a little better each day, freaked out over and over knowing I really need to NOT train but scared to death I will lose everything I have gained -- not so much from not training but from the lung infection and having to regain my lung strength by race day. I start antibiotics and prednisone and get an order for a chest xray on Monday. I reluctantly lay low until the chest xray. It’s the most challenging weekend of my training. I am an emotional roller coaster. The scariest part is not knowing how long I’m out of training and not knowing how and when this will end. I desperately want someone to tell me everything will be ok and give me a timeline. I know that if I had a patient with this I’d make them stop training. And if it worsened IMAZ was out. THAT CAN NOT AND WILL NOT HAPPEN.  

The race number tattoos arrived!

I get a grip and decide to embrace the time I have. The priority now is to heal my lungs. Besides,  I haven’t had time like this in a LONG time. I spent the time going to the store and getting everything I need for the race. I make a list of what will be in my special needs and transition bags at IMAZ. Things I would have probably done in a panic the day before I left for IMAZ. I’m starting to calm down and starting to trust that everything will be ok. Somehow “nesting” by getting my race gear together, marking and organizing all of my ziplock bags, ordering items, etc made me feel better – or really gave a me a sense of control over this. The meds seem to be helpful, I am feeling my lungs open a little more. I’m eager for the Monday chest xray. If it’s clear, coach says an ez 4 hour  bike ride.

I get the text from my good friend and colleague by noon.

Clear.

Alright! I’m outta here. On the bike. And it was a wonderful 4 hour bike ride. My legs felt great- refreshed actually. Breathing still an issue but nothing like Friday. It was nice.

Everything is going to be ok.

I AM going to IMAZ.

In that 6 days I went from being deathly afraid of not even making it to the starting line to getting there and not finishing to finishing. Somehow this experience changed my perspective. I visualized my whole race many times over those days.  I’m not afraid of taper. I do have enough hay in the barn. Though I’d really like a better way to quantify- maybe during taper weeks I will add up my training hours and that will be how I can grasp it.

I can do this, I really can. Sure, I’m nervous but I’m also excited. 

This has been a dream 8 years in the making. The time to make this a reality is soon.