Donner Lake Half
Swim-
I felt prepared for the swim. I came into this hoping for a swim PR. I was pretty confident in this. My training went well. I was swimming the fastest ever and have PR’d on my 100’s several times over. I was solid. On race day I was nervous. You would think by the 6th 70.3 I would have this down. I still fear a random panic attack in the water. I don’t think that ever goes away no matter how strong of a swimmer I become.
I am late to the start. I line up as the racers are getting ready with less than a minute left. I forgot to set my Garmin to multisport mode and I still have to put on my cap and goggles. I fight with all 3 after the start. I continue moving in the water while trying to get my Garmin to work. No stopping. Done. I’m in and time to swim.
Water is not as cold as I anticipated. It will be a good swim. I focus on sighting. There are 2 buoys in the water total which is challenging. Ironman always has many buoys so I have grown accustomed to that. The first one is a ways away. I have my sighting plan down. I am starting to feel really anxious for no reason. Actually quite anxious… I was on the verge of a panic attack. I wanted to just stop right there and go home. I envisioned starting the family vacation a little early and go hiking with the kids. “that’s silly” I tell myself. I slow my pace to calm my breathing and focus. I notice the beautiful mountains with some snow caps in the distance every time I breathe. I am blessed to see this and be here. About halfway to the first buoy the anxiety subsides. I am glad that I swam through the fear.
The first buoy approaches. I continue to swim at a warm up pace. Plan is warm up to first buoy, 80-85% to the second buoy and 90% effort to the finish. I’m on target. The sighting is working well. The buoy remains straight ahead and I do not have to correct anything. Perfect. I make the turn.
I breathe on my right in the open water even though I always bilateral breathe in the pool. The sun is right in my eyes. I accept it, focusing straight ahead on the buoy all the way across the lake. It is pretty far but no sun in that direction. Oftentimes, I would see some of the stand up paddlers with the mountain backdrop to my right, silhouettes, it is beautiful. I pick up the pace to what feels like 80%. My sighting seems to be right on. As I get closer I realize this feels like a long time. I don’t know if I will PR. I think I lost 30 sec at the start messing with my Garmin. It’s ok. I’m not sure why it feels slow. My effort seems on target.
I reach the next buoy and make the final turn to the beach. I sight for the finishing arch. I pick up the pace to 90%. My feet start to cramp one at a time. I flex it and kick harder with the other and pull harder. I start cramping on the other foot, I switch and so on. Now my swimming is no longer in a line. I am aiming for the left side of the arch- it is the least distance to run to transition. I am veering right. Why? No current. Must be the unilateral kicking. I start thinking about my next steps- unzip the wetsuit when I am upright, remove the Garmin from my wrist and hold on without messing up the buttons, and run to T1. It is grassy so I should take advantage of the terrain to actually run and save time. I reach the swim finish, execute my plan and see my time.
OMG!!!!! 12 minutes off! No! Why? How? What did I do? I should only be off by 1 maybe 2 minutes at the most but 12? I am crushed. I have no idea what happened. I see James cheering me on and I look at him with what feel like daggers – not at him – but to communicate that this was an epic fail. I can swim way better than this. I get to T1 and cry. I don’t understand. I never stopped. I never let the panic happen. I never floated. I sighted perfectly. I cannot afford to be 12 min behind. Now I have to battle with the bike cutoff the whole time biking.
I get on the bike and wipe my tears and put the swim behind me. The first 4 miles are straight up to Donner summit. 1100’ climbing, an average of 5.7% grade. Not hard but not easy at altitude. The summit is 7100’. I rode this 2 nights before as a preview. It is not hard, just long. It’s beautiful. Switchbacks and the ride is smooth. No surprise steep climbs. The views are amazing. I can look back at the lake. I do not do any of this today because I need to focus on a solid smooth but slower pace. I am right on planned pace up the hill. I’m more tired today. I ignore that and plan the descent. I have to make up those 12 minutes lost on the swim in the descent. The next part is 12 miles mostly descending and flat in the last 4 miles. It’s only a -2.1% average grade descent so nothing too fast. I am passing cyclists and cars which is annoying. I have to yell out at cyclists in the middle of the lane often so I can pass. We shared part of the course with the Olympic distance athletes. Anyway, the views are incredible- waterfall, rocks, river, trees.
I reach the turnaround. So that nice 12 miles down now must go up and then repeat. The first 4 miles back was relatively flat. I stayed in aero mostly and focused on hydration and nutrition. I start climbing. It is gradual but very long. I feel awful- neck, shoulder, arms, legs, stomach- all hurt. Breathing is getting old. I’m tired. I remind myself that I must do this. I have to work hard. I have to lay it all out here. I know I only trained about 70% for the bike. I skipped some key long rides. I focused on the run and swim in training. I was burned out by race day. Not good. The next part is steeper and long. I chant every other pedal rotation “embrace the suck.” I remind myself that this whole race will just suck and I need to accept it. There will be nothing pleasant and adorable about it like Ironman was. Why? Because my training was suboptimal. I am at altitude and it is hot. Deep breath. Dig deep, keep chanting. I hurt more. I want to pass out and no longer trust my cycling balance. I am nauseas. I wretch a few times on the bike. Yuck. Eat more, drink more. Cry a little. I finish the climb and still there is more ascending. I tell myself I will look at the time of day at the turnaround at the top of the hill. I have a feeling I wont have enough time to make the cutoff. Maybe I should just go home and be with my family. I start to rationalize a DNF. I start to accept it. I really just want to end this race now. I want to go home. I want to be on vacation. I am getting delirious. The turn around approaches. There is an aid station on my right and a cop a few feet uphill from the station. I turn at the aid station. The kind volunteer asks if I want water or Gatorade. I’m confused and I don’t know what I want. I hurt. I am disoriented. I WANT to cry. I have water in my aero bottle. I have calories in my other bottle. I am fine but I know I am missing something. My brain--- but I know there is a correct answer to her question. I stop and think. She runs across the street where I am and asks if I am ok. I say yes because does she really want to know how crappy I feel and how discouraged I feel. I doubt it. . And again asks if I want water or Gatorade bringing both all the way over to me. Meanwhile as I am still trying to answer the question in my head the cop is yelling down to her asking my race number. I ask her if I turned at the wrong spot, yes. Ok I can go up. She asks the cop if I need to move up and he says no it’s all fine. I ask her if I am disqualified. “no honey, not at all!”
I look at the time of day- OMG! I still have 2h10 min left. I can totally do this in that time! I thank her, grab the gatorade and go. Crap- what do I do with this bottle? I chug it and keep it in my back pocket. It is another 12 mile decent. Not many cyclists on the course now so no one to pass and I can go REALLY fast. I stay aero the whole descent and pedal hard when I can and let gravity take me as fast as I can go. I am going 40mph mostly. It’s awesome. Less cars this time. I can coast. The turn around arrives fast. I remind myself that I can do this last uphill. I know what to expect- a flat 4 miles, so I stay in aero. I will embrace the suck on the remaining 8 mile climb. I made up a lot of time on that last descent. I push hard, really hard. I feel awful physically and mentally but dig as deep as I can. I think of my family and friends. I think of those suffering from illness and remind myself that what I am feeling right now will never ever compare to my friend’s and patients’ suffering and pain. I am doing this for them. I have to find a way. I reach the climb, I count, chant, do whatever it takes. I appreciate the views. I try not to wretch. I drink a bit more. Looking back when I write this I realize I was hot but never sweaty. I did not acknolwledge the heat ever, but this time I had been fighting against heat exhaustion pushing as hard as I can yet not making a lot of progress. My head hurts, I am dizzy, etc etc etc. I am angry at myself for even acknowledging any pain. I never acknowledged the pain in Ironman, why can’t I be in THAT headspace? I want to nap in transition. I tell myself just suck it up and get to the summit. I will feel refreshed after the last 4miles which is downhill to the end. It is the same 4 miles I climbed at the start. It is very fast and very curvy. I am growing more confused. I reach the summit and cry. I sob down the hill, following the switchbacks, going faster than 2 nights ago.
I reach T2 with 8 minutes to spare from the cutoff. I am mixed, confused and disoriented. My family is right there and I am thrilled to see them. I am thinking I am done and we can go home now. I get off my bike and have no balance and nearly fall over. My mind is drifting in and out of reality like a dream or being unpleasantly drunk. James offers me ice. I take it, hold it in my hand and have no idea what I am supposed to do with it. I don’t feel hot. I toss it down my shirt. He hands me a wet washrag- I don’t remember this part at all but he tells me I grabbed it and then threw it down on the ground like a cup at the aid stations. At the same time I thought I was done I realized I was early ,had time and would continue the race. I still have 13.1 (actually 14 miles) to run. I made the bike cutoff!
I reach T2 with 8 minutes to spare from the cutoff. I am mixed, confused and disoriented. My family is right there and I am thrilled to see them. I am thinking I am done and we can go home now. I get off my bike and have no balance and nearly fall over. My mind is drifting in and out of reality like a dream or being unpleasantly drunk. James offers me ice. I take it, hold it in my hand and have no idea what I am supposed to do with it. I don’t feel hot. I toss it down my shirt. He hands me a wet washrag- I don’t remember this part at all but he tells me I grabbed it and then threw it down on the ground like a cup at the aid stations. At the same time I thought I was done I realized I was early ,had time and would continue the race. I still have 13.1 (actually 14 miles) to run. I made the bike cutoff!
I park my bike in transition and get my running shoes on. I am looking forward to the run. I trained really well for this and am solid here. I was looking forward to this. I know if I made the bike cutoff I would be fine on the run.
Run-
I have a little over 1 hour to run the first loop. There are 2 loops around the lake. The cutoff for the first loop is 2:05pm but according to the official it was a soft cutoff. I come out of T2 and my family is there. My mind is in and out of reality again. I am confused. I don’t know where to go. People are pointing right but I see cars, families and strollers in the bike lane and no runners. They are wrong. I will go left. In fact I can run up the hill I rode up out of transition. There are no strollers there. My family keeps getting me to turn right. Why? Where? Where is the damn course? I can’t see it. But I thought I was done, I ask. Liam asks if I need him to run with me. Sure. The race is really laid back. I am back in reality for a bit. He is leading me and telling people there is a race happening and a runner approaching. People move out of the way. Wow. What a kid he is!
I am running but I can’t breathe. I slow down my pace and crash hard. I have nothing left in the tank. I tell Liam “ I can’t do this. I have nothing left.” I’m dizzy. He offers me some gatorade, my favorite, lime cucumber. It hits my stomach like a brick. Ouch. I tell him I am worried about the cutoff. He tells me, ”don’t even worry about the cutoffs. In fact don’t worry about your pace, just move forward.” 1 mile- crap! I can barely move. Okay lets run walk. I drink water. There is no shade like I planned in my head. I want to throw up. I dig deep. “For goodness sakes, your son is running with you, if you can’t do it for you do it for him,” I tell myself. He is willing to run the whole thing with me. I can manage a run walk but it is slow and painful. I hit another wall. I am wretching over the guardrail. I tell myself to get it together. I’m watching the minutes go by fast and the miles tick very slowly. There is no chance of making the cutoff. Liam tells me they talked to the official and they moved the cutoff to 2:30pm. It is a hard cutoff though. If I ran 2 min faster than my best long pace I could do it but I forget it is a 7 mile loop not a 6.5 mile loop. Let’s try. I run and walk and wretch. I need to lay down.
We reach the other side of the lake. And I am pretty much saying aloud that I am done and ok with a DNF. I am ready for the official to come by and put me out of my misery. Liam says, even if I DNF it’s ok. I am at altitude and it’s really hard without acclimating. He reminds me it is a hot day and this is a brutal course. Who is this kid?????? He is so awesome. He definitely should coach. I decide to at least finish the first loop and if I can somehow feel a little better do the second loop and finish the race on my own time. We stop at aid stations. The volunteers ask if this is our second loop and I avoid the answer completely. I try the soda- I normally hate cola- I LOVED it today. Okay a little energy, lets run. I run and crash every few minutes. I just want to be done.
I do enjoy Liam’s company. We are both loving the views. He says Dad should be here soon. With the car? I ask. Yes. Hmm, a few miles left. I want to finish the loop. We see James and Luna about 2 miles before the end of this loop. They run walk with me too. At this point I am finishing the loop and calling it a day. James is offering me ice. I know it would help but I just don’t want anything anyone offers me. It takes too much thought and effort to figure out the next step. I have nothing left. I apologize to my family and officially tell them this will be a DNF. I am ashamed, defeated but resigned. There will be other races and I am not a bad person. It is well past 2:30. I need sleep.
We reach the end of the first loop where the finish line is. Usually there is a lane next to the chute to continue onto the final loop. I think about going for the last loop. There is no lane, just the finish chute. I stop there and see the finish line. No other way through but the chute.
I cry. All of the feelings inside come out.
DNF.
Fail.
Give up.
Disappointment.
Done.
Beaten down.
Nothing left.
My family asks me once more if I want to do the second lap. They are willing to go with me. No. I have nothing left. I tell them. I am sorry. Luna says, “then go through the finish and get your medal.” NO! I didn’t earn it. She argues I did. I walk around the chute and give my timing chip back. My heart is heavy going to transition to pick up my bike and gear. I sit and cry there for a while.
My only other DNF was in an ocean swim race where I had a full blown panic attack and had to be rescued by the lifeguards. Today was more conscious. Looking back- I was not prepared enough for the bike endurance or altitude. I had heat exhaustion. My family tells me at T2, they were considering pulling me out then because I was so delirious. Luna said I was worse than in Ironman when I was hypothermic and delirious. I never broke a sweat on the bike or run despite drinking every 15 minutes. I did not pee until I came home. During the run it was over 90 deg. I did my last few long runs at 80 deg thinking I was training well for the heat. I raced a similar but cooler race last year in Tahoe but it was in the middle of Ironman training so my endurance was better. I was riding 100 mile rides regularly. I barely rode 60 miles this training and my heart was not there.
I broke it down to what I could and could not control. I could control my nutrition, determination, training and preparation for the bike, heat and altitude. As well as stress level (lots of stress in the weeks leading up to race day). I did not have control over the heat, my GI issues, and altitude. I also started my menses that morning. That never ever goes well for me. I lost a lot of blood on the bike, way more than usual and I was crazy pale when I got home. Next time I will seriously plan races around my cycle!
I am disappointed. But this is not a measure of my self worth. I race for fun, fitness and to push myself further each time. I love the challenge.
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