The Privilege of Running

Running has been going really well, in fact it has been absolutely amazing. I am embracing it every time. This was never the case before. I started running in 2007 when I completed my first sprint triathlon.

I learned to run.

I liked it...sometimes ….not really...well actually I hated it.

But I could do the distance and was satisfied with that. I stuck with it through blood, sweat and tears waiting for that moment of self actualization in the run, that thing that other runners seem to have or at least that is what I think they have. They seem to like it even when it gets hard. They keep going back but seem to not suffer like I did. They didn’t have demons. They seemed happy running. I must be missing something. I have demons, I suffered. So being the stubborn person I was, I stuck with it and like a dysfunctional lover tried over and over to fix it.

I ramped up the mileage, claimed running as a small piece of my identity and ran 3 marathons, several half marathons, 10Ks and 5Ks- even a 30 mile training run. But in those times I almost always felt like I was a failure at running. I was always slower than I wanted to be. I got a little faster in my last season and only when I progressed did I enjoy running. Sometimes I enjoyed the process but ultimately it was about accomplishment and self worth for me. I compared myself with other runners who were ridiculously faster than I was. And until I was running a 7-8min/mile I did not see myself as a "real" runner. I still tried and tried and tried. I read sports psychology books. I tried many techniques to work through my emotional issues around running. I even carried motivational words to say while running. I went to counseling. It worked for the short term but I still struggled. Before training runs my anxiety level would sky rocket. If I were the type to throw up, I would have every time. I just worried. What if I fail today? It was so sad.

After my last season of running in 2013, I was feeling better about running. Still anxious but I saw enough progress that I felt like I was finally developing into a runner. It was time to run a fourth marathon and this time do it with pride and joy. Not cry at the finish feeling like somehow I failed because I was so slow. The training went really well. I was on my way to cutting off 45 minutes from my last marathon finish. But my knee was acting up … a lot.

I have a long childhood history of both knees dislocating on a regular basis with the last one occurring 12 years ago - the most severe (long story). I ignored it despite not being very ambulatory for an entire month and went on with life. I started running several years later. Running strengthened the muscles around my knees and since then no more dislocations! Another reason I continued running. My knee never felt great running but I learned to live with it and forgot about it. Each year, I'd feel more pain and try to listen to my knee and limit where I could run. First, downhill runs were out, then steep uphills, etc. Each year the sharp pains got more frequent until I was training for that 4th marathon. It was time for the MRI as the pain would stop me in my tracks and I just could not push through it on long runs. I thought maybe the pain was all in my head and I was looking for a way out of running. So time for the MRI- it will be conclusive, it's in my head or I need to fix the knee. It was not in my head. Lots of damage from not fixing it after the last dislocation. Two orthopedics including a knee dislocation specialist who would rarely ever tell an athlete to stop their sport said I needed to consider another sport. Endurance running is not good for this knee if I want to walk later. There was no surgery that would fix this and help me run better, only salvage surgery.

I was crushed. At the same time I was sort of relieved, no more running. No more emotional anxiety. I used to always wish the triathlon only had the swim and bike. I liked those a lot. I dreaded the run. Every 70.3 I did I imploded on the run. It was always something.

I did a lot of self exploration about what this all means to me. What not running meant to me. Is it time to retire from running? I’m proud of what I have done. I completed 3 marathons including NYC. It's ok. At the same time my ultimate dream was to complete a full distance Ironman. Every time I accepted not running that came back. I needed to do one Ironman. Long story short, talked with Ortho at length, he said ok to do Ironman on several conditions. Take time off now from running to let the inflammation subside. Then no more distance running and even consider walking the Ironman. Get cortisone and perhaps PRP injections during Ironman training. And under no circumstances am I to do a second Ironman- even if I DNF or don’t get the time I want. Deal. I took 9 mos off the run. The knee stopped hurting. It was nice.

I started training for a Tahoe 70.3 in 2014 with the plan to learn to power walk. I went to the beach to at least enjoy the power walking. One day I tried to run just to see. I'd stop at any hint of pain. I felt fine. Each time I ran a little more until I was actually running. I tried running on dirt- no problem. I tried pavement- that was a problem and I paid for it for a few days but the pain subsided. I trained for this 70.3 only running twice a week and only on sand and dirt. I ran as far as 10 miles on the beach without much pain. At this point every run felt like a blessing. Every single run I was happy. I did not care about my pace, performance or who else was running. I had no expectations with each run only to stop if I had pain and truly listen to this knee. Afterall, I need to keep it intact to get to Ironman whether I run or walk the Ironman run portion.

Fast forward to IMAZ training. I started running daily on Feb 1 for the USAT NCC challenge. I wanted to see how far I could push this. I knew that having the strength I gained from boxing would help my positioning. Of course with each run NO EXPECTATIONS, just an experiment. And of course plan to stop at any hint of pain. I kept the runs short between 2-5 miles and only on the beach and dirt. I ran for 9 days straight without any problems! Just sheer joy at this privilege. Since my training started in February I have incorporated speed work and am seeing my pace get faster even though I have no expectation of getting faster. Seriously, I don't. I am happy where I am and am always feeling blessed even during the hard speed work. Well, there were a few instances where the speed work was really hard. I did leave my happy place and headed to the old familiar demon place. At one point I just stopped (like old times- I would freak out and unconsciously stop). At the stop, with each breath I said aloud “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. No. I can. I can. I can.” And started running again. I did not beat myself up. I pulled back on the heart rate and continued.

And just like that …

the demons passed.

In the past that run would have destroyed me emotionally for the rest of the day and I would have a lot of anxiety on the next run. Not this time. The next run was peaceful. The next hard run was hard and just that. I later realized that physiologically the demons come when my heart rate holds at or above 172bpms for more than a short sprint. Even dropping to 169bpms makes a big difference. I remind myself that I am even more blessed to be doing speed work which a year ago I would have never dreamed of doing. I am getting faster- almost where I was in my peak in 2013. Again, though that is only a byproduct of the consistency and not the expectation.

The expectation is to always appreciate the run and look up every now and again. Maybe even stop for a second and watch the sunset or a moonrise to the East. Appreciate the magic. Who gets to see this on a regular basis? Who gets to just run with no pain, with no expectations and with only feelings of being totally blessed? I never looked forward to running. Now in my training, running is almost a break for me. Sure I get tired and sore. But now the idea of a "long run" always sounds great. One long meditation and chance to appreciate life and my ability. This must be that self actualization those other runners seem to have that I longed for for so may years.